Transformation

Wonder Years

Jeanna G4 Comments

My daughter’s 5th grade year just came to an end, but right before they ushered the students out the door, the teachers delivered the Human Growth and Development Unit. Remember that awkward time when the boys and girls enter separate classrooms to learn about puberty and all the associated topics? And everyone is uncomfortable and embarrassed when discussing what is about to happen to them? My daughter ensured that I had to live it twice by texting me audio clips of the teacher’s messages, and always followed them up with a frowny face emoji. I might as well have named her Peter, because she does not want to grow up. But I know she wonders. She asks me questions and tells me the crazy stuff she overhears on the bus, seeking the truth.

Thinking back on my wonder years, I thought everything was strange and exciting. I felt the angst of coming of age. I felt curious and confused. I struggled when trying to piece everything together and make sense of it all. And I was always wondering about what the future held.

At that age I wanted to be a part of everything, and be the best at anything. I compared myself to everyone. I had unsupported goals and extravagant dreams. Everything was a big deal, but it also wasn’t. I knew I was liked, but I also wasn’t so sure why. Back then I wondered what everyone thought of me. Now I just want to figure out what I think of myself.

Recently, I was chatting with a friend about plans for the summer, and that my daughter would be away at camp for most of her break. My friend said, “Do something you’ve been wanting to do.” I joked and replied, “I’d really like to take a nap!” But then I started wondering, what do I want to with myself? I wonder, if I weren’t a mom, and I didn’t have to work for a living, what would I do? Who would I be? I am having a self-imposed identity crisis!

Now that I think about it, I’m back in my wonder years. And until I figure it all out, I guess I’ll just keep on wondering. I mean, not all who wonder are lost, right?!

Silver and Gold

Jeanna G3 Comments

Make new friends, but keep the old. And the same goes for yourself: love yourself now, but don’t forget to give props to the O.G.

I had actually started a letter to my younger self about a year ago, but got distracted while adulting. In this season of gratitude, I was reminded that it’s important to follow through on those thank you notes. Henceforth, I will catch up on some overdue correspondence with myself, both the silver and gold versions.

I find inspiration in the quote from Lalah Delia, “She remembered who she was, and the game changed.”

Dear future self,

Be grateful for the childhood you had, for the foundation that your life was built upon. You will be hit with hard times, but you will already have everything in you that you will need to get through.

Dear Little Jeannie,

Thank you for being someone I want to return to. Thank you for your light and your strong sense of self, because that makes finding you easier, and I want to be like you again. Thanks for not giving up when times got tough.

Dear future self,

Promise me this: now that you’ve made all the mistakes, you won’t make them again.

Dear Little Jeannie,

No promises, but I’m sorry I got lost and thought I needed to be someone different. You were right.

Dear future self,

It wasn’t your fault.

Dear Little Jeannie,

It wasn’t your fault either.

Dear future self,

Life is short. Play more. Don’t forget how much you love to do things. Don’t forget, when you get confused, just listen to the music play. And don’t forget that God knows you, and still loves you. Oh and hey…don’t stop believin’.

Dear Little Jeannie,

Thank you for your optimism, your playfulness, your curiosity and imagination. Your idea that life is a game, and that you’re going to win, has helped the journey to be entertaining, challenging, and worth continuing.

Dear future self,

Continue to be an altruist, and remember to help those who need it most.

Dear Little Jeannie,

You’ve got so much love.

Dear future self,

Don’t forget to save some of that love for yourself.

Dear Little Jeannie,

You’re so smart.

Dear future self,

You’re right.

Groundhog Day

Jeanna GLeave a comment

Have you ever experienced déjà vu? It’s the sense that you’ve experienced something that you haven’t actually experienced before. But maybe the universe is trying to tell you something. Maybe you did experience it, but you did it wrong the first time, and you’re being given a second chance. What was so important about that moment that you’re being made to live it again? What is the impact you’re supposed to make? What should you have done differently the first time around?

Back in college, my buddies and I drove from Penn State to Punxsutawney to witness the strangely fascinating celebration of seeking the meteorological predictions of a groundhog. I was telling my daughter about that trip. and then suggested we watch the movie together. Afterwards, I asked what she would do if she got to live the same day over and over again, and she answered like a normal 10 year old: eat a ton of candy, act crazy, get away with stuff. I, on the other hand, would hopefully take the route that Phil eventually took and become a better person.

Maybe we’re stuck in the same place until we make it better. Maybe we keep running into the same people because we’re supposed to help improve their lives. Maybe we’re not supposed to keep moving on so that we can actually live in the moment. Maybe we get stuck because we keep missing the point.

The days don’t actually repeat themselves like they did for Phil, but sometimes they sure feel like they do, except we continue to get older, and the calendar pages continue to turn. We can reminisce about our younger days, like I obviously like to do, but we can’t actually relive our youth. But let’s just say you woke up and time was repeating itself. Would you know why? Would you know what you had to fix, or who you needed to help in order to move on? And what if you got to pick which day you could live over and over again? What has been your best day? And is that the best you can do? Maybe we all need to be a groundhog for a day and ask ourselves, “When I get pulled into the light, will I be afraid of my own shadow?”